Clouds of steam filled the bathroom as Kenya finished her morning shower. Turning off the water, she stepped out onto the rug and wrapped herself in a bath towel. While brushing her teeth at the sink, Kenya wiped the mirror with her hand just enough to get a glimpse of her face. She was unacquainted with the set of eyes looking back at her. Hers were a beautiful shade of brown, usually bright and cheery. The ones staring her down in the mirror were empty and baggy from more than their fair share of sleepless nights. Nights she’d spent staring at the ceiling, allowing her imagination to conjure up ideas of why the other side of the bed seemed to be empty lately. “Stop it Ken, we’re not doing that today.” Kenya cleaned her face of the tears that started to drip down her cheeks and onto her chest. The thoughts she’d tried to wash away in the shower left a residue she couldn’t get rid of. Returning her gaze to the mirror, a smirk started to replace her frown. “Well, whatever it is, it ain’t enough to take him from me!” she told her reflection, ready to high five the mirror. Kenya swung the bathroom door open and headed for the bedroom remembering her morning surprise.
The sky was still dark even at 6 o’clock, but Kenya didn’t want to awaken Anthony by turning on the bedroom light. With the hallway light on and the door cracked about a foot wide, Kenya sat on the bench at the end of the bed and started to lotion her body. The mirror attached to the dresser caught just enough of the light to give her a view of Anthony as he slept peacefully behind her in bed.
“So, what time did you make it home last night or should I say this morning?”
“What were you doing that you couldn’t answer the phone?”
“You must think I’m some kind of fool, don’t you.”
The voice in her head seemed so loud, Kenya turned around to make sure he was still sleeping. She pulled her camisole over her head and stood at the side of the bed staring at the man she loved. Her imagination started to explore more of her thoughts from the shower. Kenya shook her head to get free of them and crawled into the bed. Snuggled up as close as she could get, she wrapped her arm around Anthony’s body and laid her head on his chest. With a deep breath she filled her nostrils with his scent of “I am King” cologne by Sean John. As she exhaled, Kenya felt Anthony’s arm tighten around her back as he pulled her into a hug and kissed her softly on the forehead.
“Have a good day at work, love you.”
His words infiltrated her ears and doused her with feelings of love. Kenya closed her eyes and hugged him tight. The residue of her doubtful thoughts washed away.
“Love you too; call me before you drop Ameea off at daycare.”
Kenya slowly slid out from underneath Anthony’s muscular arm. As much as she wanted to savor the moment, she had to finish getting ready for work. She kissed a still sleeping Ameea goodbye and headed out the door towards downtown Chicago.
“Good morning ladies!” The office kitchen was already buzzing with Monday morning chatter.
A group of interns huddled in a corner returned her greeting in unison, “Good morning Kenya!”
“Would you like large or small this morning?” Standing next to the coffee pot and holding two cups in her hand, Lisa gestured for Kenya to make a decision.
“Hmm, I think I’ll go with the large.” Smiling at her thoughtfulness, Kenya stood at the counter waiting for Lisa to fill her mug with coffee. After adding cream and sugar, Kenya took a seat at the table.
“So how was your weekend getaway with the family?”
“We had a good time. The lake was just steps away from the cabin, so Chris and CJ did a little father-son fishing while Tasha and I enjoyed some girls-only time at the spa. How was your weekend? ”
“It was nice. Anthony and I took Ameea to a birthday party on Saturday at Chuck E. Cheese and the three of us spent a quiet evening together at home yesterday.”
The words tasted like spoiled milk as they spilled off her tongue, making Kenya a little sick to her stomach. She took a sip of coffee hoping to hide her face behind the mug. Where did that lie even come from?
“Almost forgot, I need to check on CJ before Mr. Schweitz comes in with his long list of demands for today.” Lisa picked up her things and headed out the break room door. “I’ll talk to you later girl.”
“Ok.”
Kenya hadn’t noticed when everyone else left out. Alone in the break room, she placed her elbows on the table and let her head rest in her hands. She heard the door open and the footsteps of someone walk in but didn’t bother to look up.
“Good morning Ken Ken, how are you today?”
Without looking up Kenya knew it was Ms. Eileen. She was the only co-worker Kenya allowed to call her by her nickname. Ms. Eileen was like a grandmother to some of the girls in the office but Kenya thought she could be a bit nosy at times and was far too religious for Kenya’s tastes.
“I’m OK, thanks. Just a little tired.” Lifting up her head, Kenya glanced at the clock; time to punch in. She gathered her purse and mug and headed towards the door.
“Your time, energy, and love are valuable Ken Ken. It’s important to invest in relationships with people that know your worth.”
Kenya almost choked on her coffee. Who was Ms. Eileen to be telling her what to do with her time and energy?
“Umm, Ms. Eileen I have the utmost respect for you but I don’t see why any of that would be your concern or for what reason you seem to think I don’t know my worth. I’m not sure what you’ve heard about me, but my relationship is fine and both me and my man are very aware of my worth.”
“Ms. Eileen didn’t mean to upset you Ken Ken; but something in my spirit told me you need to know that. No one shared anything with me about your relationship, nor do I make it a habit to involve myself in other people’s business, but I am obedient to the spirit of the Lord. ”
“The Spirit of the Lord, huh? Well I’d appreciate it if you and the “Lord’s Spirit” choose something else to worry about. Have a good day.” Kenya allowed the door to slam behind her. Was there a neon “I’m having relationship issues” sign on her back? She thought she’d gotten rid of the thoughts of Anthony possibly cheating on her. It was only a suspicion that could turn out not to be true. It is possible that he was very well doing the things he said he was doing.
Beyoncé’s singing broke into Kenya’s conversation with herself as she walked down the hall: “Let me cater to you cause baby this is your day. Do anything for my man baby you blow me away. I got your slippers, your dinner, your desert and so much more…” Kenya stopped to answer her phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey sweetie, how’s your day going so far?”
“Much better now, how are my two babies doing?”
“We’re good. Ameea, say good morning to mommy.”
“Good morning Mommy!!”
“Good morning baby, have a good day with Ms. Melissa. I love you!”
“Love you mommy!”
“Ant, what time are you getting off work today?”
“I’m not sure, hopefully before six, why? What’s up?”
“Nothing in particular, I was just asking. Will you be home on time for dinner?”
“Yea baby, I’ll be there. Get back to work. Love you.”
“Alright, love you too.”
Kenya was smiling from ear to ear. Oh, how she loved this man and it was obvious to her that he must love her as well. Every time doubt tried to rear its ugly face, the truth came to light. “I mean what man do you know that takes on the full responsibility of a child that’s not his own. He gets her dressed in the morning, takes her to daycare, provides for the majority of her financial needs, and is “Daddy” in Ameea’s eyes. He’s shown love and affection like I’ve never experienced before and he’s financially stable. I mean come on!”
The back and forth conversations with herself lasted throughout the work day. By punch-out time, Kenya settled with herself that the past incidents of Anthony coming home late were work or family related, along with a few late nights with the guys, as he said they were, and that was that. All her worry and doubts were doing nothing but adding unnecessary stress to her life and relationship. She was valued regardless of what “Ms. Eileen’s spirit” thought. Satisfied with her assessment, she headed home in a victorious mood.
It was only 4:30 in the afternoon by the time Kenya picked up Ameea and made it to the house. With at least two hours before Anthony was to get off work, she decided to prepare one of his favorite home-cooked meals: smothered pork chops, baked macaroni and cheese, sautéed cabbage, and corn bread muffins. With great anticipation of their evening together, Kenya decided to set the table so they could enjoy the meal together in the kitchen opposed to their regular spots on the couch in front of the television. Savory aromas filled the kitchen as Kenya pulled the corn bread muffins out of the oven to place in the center of the table. It was a little after 6 o’clock and Anthony would be walking in at any moment now. She fixed Ameea’s plate and sat her at the princess table there in the kitchen. Kenya sat patiently watching Ameea enjoy her meal, pretending not to notice the apple shaped clock on the wall as it came close to 7 o’clock. Ameea finished her meal, had a bath, enjoyed a bedtime story, and was off to sleep before Kenya heard the sound of a key in the lock at the front door. Checking the time on her phone, Kenya was furious to see that it was 8:30 in the evening and Anthony was just getting in from work.
“Hey sweetie, how was your day?” Anthony leaned down and placed a kiss on her lips before she could respond.
“It was alright and yours?” Her voice was dry and she kept her eyes on the television, pretending to be glued to what was playing.
“Long, one of the trucks got stuck under a viaduct so I had to pick up an extra run. Got me late for whatever smells so good in that kitchen! What you cook, babe?”
Kenya couldn’t help but smile. As much as she wanted to be mad, she loved the attention and compliments. “I didn’t cook you anything; me and Ameea ate without you.” She kept her eyes on the TV, hoping he didn’t detect her smile. She could hear him taking the tops off the pots on the stove.
“Why you got the table all decked out? Aww, you fixed the table for me?” Anthony came back into the living room, pulled Kenya up from the couch and squeezed her tight in his arms.
“My bad babe, you ate already?”
Kenya poked out her lips as far as they would go and pretended she didn’t want to be held, “Yep, I sure did.”
“Well, fix my plate. Is the baby sleep?” Anthony released Kenya from his arms and walked towards Ameea’s room.
“Don’t go in there or you gonna be the one up with her tonight.” Kenya headed to the kitchen to prepare his plate.
After putting the food in containers and cleaning the kitchen, Kenya joined Anthony on the couch for a movie. She had no idea what he was watching; she was lost in the pleasure of lying in his arms. After a while, Kenya felt herself nodding off to sleep.
“I’m going to bed.” Kenya kneeled down and gave Anthony a kiss before going to the bathroom. She took a quick shower, peeked in on Ameea, and went to bed. Shortly after lying down, Kenya heard the sound of the shower running. Knowing Anthony would soon join her she rolled over, back to the door, and closed her eyes. A few minutes later the bedroom light flicked on. Kenya pulled the cover over her head to shield her eyes from the brightness of the light. She laid there waiting for the light to go off. The sound of hangers moving in the closet and a thump on the bed behind her made Kenya turn around to see what Anthony was doing.
“Where are you going!?” Instead of getting pajamas out the drawer for bed, Anthony had jeans and a button-up shirt lying in the spot where he should have been preparing to go to sleep.
“I’m a go grab a drink with the guys for a minute. Go to sleep, I’ll be back.”
“Go to sleep? No, you need to be the one going to sleep; it’s almost midnight Ant!”
“Girl, I’m a grown man. I stopped having a curfew at sixteen and I come and go as I please. Now I said I’ll be back.”
Anthony grabbed his clothes, turned off the light, and shut the door behind him. Kenya could hear him in the living room as he got dressed. After a while, the front door to their apartment opened and closed. She listened to sound of his footsteps as he went down the two flights of stairs and out the building’s exit door. Through the window, she could hear his engine start then the screech of his tires as he pulled off into the night. Kenya rolled over and pulled the covers up to her chin. She maneuvered her feet so that the cover was tucked tight around them and lifted her butt so she could tuck the cover in behind her. Lying in bed as still as a mannequin, Kenya stared at the closet door.
“Why?” Her voice was just a whisper.
“Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why!?” With each why, her voice rose until she began to shout.
“WHY!!!!” Something in her being snapped and before she knew it Kenya was having an all-out temper tantrum in the bed. She kicked loose of the covers swinging her arms wildly causing the pillows to go flying over the sides of the bed. She sobbed uncontrollably, struggling to catch her breath. Jumping out the bed as if it were on fire, Kenya started to pace the floor.
“What did I do wrong? Huh? What did I do!? Why don’t you love me? What did I do that makes me so unlovable? I do everything I possibly know how to do. I compromise, I sacrifice, and I’m as understanding as a person could be. I try my best each and every time but no, you make it clear that Kenya is not worthy of love! But why? Why? Please, tell me what I did wrong!”
Bent over in agony, Kenya cried like a baby. She felt her hands and legs shaking, but she could not bring herself to stop. With her arms wrapped around her knees sitting on the floor, Kenya felt her dinner trying to rise in her throat. A memory she thought she’d buried deep in her mind came rushing back to her.
“That was not my fault!! It’s you that failed! That was your fault not mine! I yelled out for you but you didn’t come for me!”
“Mommy?”
Kenya spun around so fast she almost lost her balance. She blinked several times, but couldn’t believe her eyes. It was like looking into a mirror that had rewound 25 years into the past. Standing in the doorway was a little girl with a pink nightgown clutching her favorite teddy. The look on her face showed fear and uncertainty. Kenya wanted nothing more than to pick her up and hold her in her arms. Comfort her and assure her she was loved and everything was all right.
“Who are you talking to Mommy?”
The voice of her child brought Kenya back to reality. She walked over to the door and pick Ameea up into her arms. She held her tight rocking her from side to side.
“Who were you talking to Mommy?”
“No one honey….no one at all.”
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