Eve's Time: Standing in the Rubble

“Hello, thank you for calling Planned Parenthood.  How may I help you?”  Eve hung up the phone again.  She put her cell phone in her purse and stared at herself in the rearview mirror.  She didn’t recognize the person who was looking back at her.  She felt nauseous.  She wasn’t sure if it was the pregnancy or the guilt.  She felt ashamed for calling Planned Parenthood to schedule a third abortion.  She felt even more ashamed that she already had the phone number for Planned Parenthood saved in her cell phone’s contacts right after Paulie’s Pizza.  
In the past, James pressured Eve to abort their offspring, but this time she didn’t have James in her ear counting down the days she had left in her first trimester to abort the baby like he was Dick Clark on New Year’s Eve.  She felt like she was on autopilot doing what was still familiar to her by calling the abortion clinic.  She was done with James.  She’d finally gathered the courage to put him in jail and for the first time in many years she was able to make her own decisions without any outside influences.  There was no one to question, pressure or lie to her except herself.

Her relationship with James was loud and passionate like an exclamation mark made of dynamite.  The final stick of dynamite had exploded after their fight a few weeks ago when Eve was left standing in the rubble all alone.  Her hopes and dreams were no longer tall, strong, multi-level structures that stretched to the heavens.  Her dreams laid at her feet unrecognizable.  She compromised and lost so much of herself in James that she wasn’t sure who she was or what she wanted.  She felt like the only thing she still knew about herself was her name.  She felt vulnerable, helpless and unsure like a little girl.  “God, please help me,” she said softly as her eyes began to fill with tears.  She was already late for work because of her visit with Vivian and the several calls to Planned Parenthood.  She dabbed some powder on her face, tossed her keys in her purse and got out of the car to let the brisk Chicago air freeze the warm, salty tears that threatened to fall.

“¡Hóla, Eve!” said Hector, the head security guard at her office building, as she stepped inside and headed towards the elevator.  “I didn’t see you at your normal time, I thought you weren’t coming in today.”

“I had a family emergency so I wasn’t able to make it in earlier.  You know my week day wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t see you, Hector,” Eve said as she pressed the button to take her to her office on the 14^th floor.

“Mamí, you always say the sweetest things to me while you’re walking away.  When are you finally going to let me take you to dinner?”

The elevator arrived and Eve stepped inside.  “When quesadillas fly, Hector.”

“Oh, mamí, you do me so wrong!” Hector exclaimed as he grabbed his chest right above his heart and pretended to fall backwards like a young, Puerto Rican Fred Sanford.

The elevator doors closed and so did Eve’s eyes.  She enjoyed her weekly banter with Hector, but he wouldn’t know what to do with the real deal about Eve and what she was going through.  She liked that she could come to the office and keep it light and playful with her co-workers.  Life outside of work was heavy enough.

Eve glanced at her watch and saw that she was 33 minutes late.  Her boss, Ms. Clark, was going to be all up in her Kool-Aid when she got to her desk.  She had to walk past her boss’ desk to get to her own so she was prepared with the story about how her “dentist appointment” ran longer than expected.  Eve slowed down her walk, made herself frown, and slowly began to rub the right side of her cheek to make her story more believable.  All of her acting was for not because Ms. Clark wasn’t at her desk.  Eve quickly sprinted to her own desk, threw her coat in her cubby, and typed in the password to log in to her computer.

“Girl, what in the world were you doing?” asked Sharon, her closest friend in the office who also sat next to her.

“What are you talking about?” asked Eve feigning bewilderment.

“Don’t play dumb!  You were looking pathetic, rubbing your face and limping a second ago then next thing I know you’re sprinting to your desk!”

Eve laughed with Sharon.  “Girl, I told Ms. Clark that I had a dentist’s appointment because I had to handle some personal business.  I was supposed to be back like 30 minutes ago and you know how she be trippin’ so I had to sorta hype up the sympathy routine.”

“I feel you, girl, but why were you limping if you just came from the dentist?”

“Girl, I don’t know my tooth from my leg right now.  I guess I would’ve told Clark that it all hurts.”

“Don’t worry, Eve, Ms. Clark’s been in a meeting for about an hour with Mr. Schweitz so she won’t know whether you arrived on time or not.  You know your secret’s safe with me.”

The ladies laughed a few seconds longer then they both turned back to their computers to work.  Eve contemplated Sharon’s statement about keeping a secret.  She and Sharon had been working together for a year and went to lunch about once a month.  Their lunches usually consisted of venting about co-workers and their workloads.  When the topic ventured off of work into their personal lives, Eve let Sharon do most of the talking.  Sharon was single and seemed to either spend her time with family or doing something church related – two topics that Eve definitely couldn’t relate to.  Eve liked that Sharon didn’t pry when she asked Eve about her mother and father after sharing the humorous and loving story of her own parents’ surprise 35^th wedding anniversary party.  Sharon didn’t ask follow-up questions during last month’s lunch date when the topic ventured to children and Eve responded that she didn’t want children.  Sharon held eye contact with Eve after her curt response as if she were reading Eve like a book.

Eve had lied to Sharon, she did want children and she didn’t know that she was already pregnant at the time of their conversation.  She wished she could turn around right now and tell Sharon everything.  Eve swiveled around in her chair and looked at the back of Sharon’s head as she bobbed to the music in her headphones as she worked.  Eve opened her mouth but she couldn’t find the words to say.  Eve was so full of secrets and shame.  She wasn’t even sure that she was going to keep the baby so what was there to talk about?  What if Sharon started asking questions about the child’s father and if there was a future for them?  Although she never let on, she knew Sharon saw some of the scratches and bruises when they’d gone to lunch after one of her and James’ many fights.  Eve had been through a lot of hard times over the years and only talked with James about it because she didn’t have any girlfriends and James was usually the cause of the explosion anyway.  She was pregnant for the third time and didn’t have so much as a mother or friend to share with.  The question suddenly came to Eve and it made her gasp, “Oh my goodness, was James my only friend?”  The thought made her sick to her stomach again.  Eve took several deep breaths as she quickly headed to the bathroom.  She wasn’t able to fully close the bathroom stall before she regurgitated the day’s contents.  She was too nervous about court to eat breakfast and in too much of a hurry to get back to work in the afternoon to eat lunch so only the large coffee from Mickey D’s was expelled.  She flushed the toilet and stood in the stall for a few more moments to gather her thoughts.  She needed to turn her brain off.  If she kept thinking about James and the baby she was going to lose her mind.  She needed to keep down the pain and the contents of her stomach until after work.  She glanced at her watch.  Only two more hours until quitting time.  She could keep it together until then; she would keep it together until then.    

Eve stepped out of the stall and saw Sharon exiting a few stalls down.

“Fancy meeting you in here,” she joked.  “Is it me or does it smell like coffee in this bathroom?”

Eve pumped the soap and turned on the water pretending not to hear her.

“Hey, are you okay?  You look a little bit pale.”

“Of course I’m okay,” Eve said as she turned her back to Sharon to get paper towel and slowly dry between each finger hoping that Sharon would leave the restroom soon so that she could have a few more moments alone.

“Now you know it don’t take you that long to dry your hands.  Let’s get you some water, girl, ‘cuz you lookin’ crazy.  Plus I need to share some news about Monica with you.”  Sharon said the last part rather conspiratorially.

Eve wanted to be left alone and she wasn’t entirely sure she wasn’t going to have another wave of nausea soon but she didn’t want to draw attention to her bad mood.  “Sure,” said Eve, “Let’s go.”

They each got a cup of water from the kitchen then started walking back to their desks.  They sat down in their seats and when Sharon wheeled her chair closer to Eve, Eve knew to do the same.  Whatever was going to be shared was for their ears only.

“Well, you know Monica’s a few months pregnant and has been super excited that she and Sam are finally having their first child together,” Sharon began.  “But, girl, Monica lost the baby last night.  I overheard her sister talking about it while I was getting coffee this morning.  Monica’s going to be off of work for a few more days.  Doesn’t that just break your heart?”

 “Yeah, it does.  I heard that Monica and Sam had been trying to get pregnant since before I started working here.  She all but burst into tears when she asked me for a tampon about 6 months ago because she was so upset that she’d come on her cycle.  She had baby fever in the worst way!  It’s really sad when people who want kids can’t have them,” Eve said.

“You can say that again,” said Sharon right before she wheeled herself back to her computer.

  The last few hours of work flew by as Eve caught up on all of the e-mails and requests that had filled her mailbox since she’d left work the day before.  Eve liked keeping it light at work.  She wasn’t regular Eve, the pregnant girl with a drug and alcohol-addicted mother who abandoned her, and a baby daddy in jail – she was Work Eve while she was in the building.  Work Eve was competent, organized, managed her schedule, brought great ideas to meetings, and usually completed projects before deadline.  Work Eve wore the letter “S” on her chest which stood for Super Woman; regular Eve wore an “L” on her forehead which stood for loser.  She sat down on the couch in the lobby to remain Work Eve just a little while longer.

  Eve walked to her car, warmed it up, and began the commute home.  Luckily it wasn’t too far between her job in the West Loop and her apartment in Lawndale.  Her mind drifted to Monica and Sam as she sat in traffic.  They dearly wanted a baby and would have probably been awesome parents.  Monica had beautiful family portraits on her desk, including those of her parents and grandparents who’d been married most of their lives.  Eve didn’t have family portraits or Monica’s upbringing or even a spouse.  

Eve worried that she might abandon her child like her mother did her?  She didn’t know what could drive a mother to leave their child behind, so she wondered if she had that gene in her too.  Maybe if Vivian had aborted Eve, Vivian might not have run away, abused drugs and alcohol, and Eve wouldn’t have been a constant reminder to Granny of her husband’s infidelity.  It felt like the burdens of her mother and grandmother were piled on top of her own.  Eve’s heart felt heavy and she began to sob.

“You’ll make a terrible mother,” a familiar voice told her.  She sobbed as she nodded in agreement.  “Everyone at work will ask questions about the father and marriage and you’ll have to tell lie after lie or, even worse, tell the truth!  You’ll look like a desperate loser when you announce to everyone that you’re pregnant and you don’t have a ring on your finger or anyone to even hold your hand during delivery,” the voice continued to fire shots of condemnation at Eve.

“I’m all alone,” Eve repeated out loud in between sobs.

“Who’d throw you a baby shower?  It’s not like you have any friends or family.  You have no help, no extra income, and no experience taking care of a baby.

No one is going to date you while you’re pregnant and there’s no one to watch the baby on the weekends if you did get a date.  After you had the baby so you’d be confined to the house just like you were when James was out of jail.

Plus, let’s face it,” the voice persisted, “James doesn’t take care of his other kids and he wouldn’t take care of yours either.  You’d just give birth to another fatherless child; another Black kid in Lawndale growing up without a daddy.  Your child would hate you for his or her life because their father isn’t around.

You felt really bad after your last two abortions and you’ll feel bad after this one too because you really do love your children; it just hasn’t been the right time to have them,” the voice said more slowly and tender sensing that too much condemnation might lead Eve to be too depressed to schedule her abortion appointment.  The voice, began to encourage her, “Ending this pregnancy is going to be hard, but afterwards you can start going back to night school and eventually open up the business you want.  You won’t have an extra mouth to feed that could hold you back from your dreams.  Your hopes and dreams may have been blown to pieces but they can be rebuilt again – even better this time because you’re more experienced, realistic, and resourceful.  This abortion could symbolically be the birth of a new beginning – you would have officially cut all ties with James.  Don’t you want to really be free from him?  You deserve it.”

“I want to be free,” Eve said aloud.  She began to feel like she was turning a corner and had finally made up her mind.  She was going to call Planned Parenthood to schedule her final abortion.  She wiped her face and blew her nose.    

Eve scrolled past Paulie’s Pizza to the number for Planned Parenthood.  She wouldn’t hang up this time.  She’d schedule her appointment and by this time next week she’d be free.  There was construction on Madison Avenue which brought traffic on both sides of the street down to just one lane.  Traffic was practically at a stand-still since there were drivers trying to turn left from the one lane drivers going straight ahead also had to use.  She felt good that she’d finally made a decision.  She wasn’t exceptionally proud of her decision and she’d told herself after both of her other abortions that it was her last time having an abortion, but this time she was for real.  James was in jail, she was never going to go back to him, and since he was the reason for all of her bad decisions this meant that she would never be in a position of having an unwanted pregnancy again.  She glanced up at a worker putting the finishing touches on a new billboard as the phone rang on the other end for Planned Parenthood.  In bold, black print on a white backdrop the billboard read:  Need to talk?  Call 888-AM-I-PREG.

“Ha!” she exclaimed aloud.  “Talk about what?” she mocked the sign as the phone continued to ring.  “Dang!  I called this number three times earlier today and someone picked up each time.  Now I’m trying to schedule the darn appointment and no one wants to answer?  Go figure.”  Eve glanced up at the sign again.  The white background of the sign seemed so bright in the dark winter sky.  “Humph, that’s such an absolutely stupid sign,” Eve said aloud as she pressed down on her horn.  She hung up and called Planned Parenthood again.  Traffic hadn’t budged an inch, Planned Parenthood wasn’t answering the phone, and she was stuck by this incredibly annoying sign.  She hung up and dialed the number a third time.  She put her sun visor down to block the view of the billboard.  Why was this sign having such an effect on her?  She didn’t need to talk.  She never needed to talk.  She made it through plenty of major decisions not talking to her mother or Granny or James or Sharon  -- even God himself -- and she’d make it through this too in silence.  She hung up the unanswered call with Planned Parenthood.  “Do I need to talk?”  Eve scoffed.

“Yes, you do,” replied a different, softer, gentle voice.

“All I need to do is get out of this traffic, go through with this appointment, and then I’ll be free.  I don’t need to talk to anyone.  I mean, okay, if I called what would I say?  And how stupid would I sound admitting all of my issues to a stranger?”

“Just call,” replied the gentle voice.

She suddenly remembered the overwhelming feeling to share her secret with Sharon earlier that day.

“If you need to talk, there’s someone to talk to.  You’re not alone,” the voice patiently reminded her.

If she called the pregnancy line then she could get her issues off her chest then schedule her abortion -- hopefully by then the receptionist at Planned Parenthood would finally answer the phone.  She pressed *67 to block her number then dialed 888-AM-I-PREG (888-264-7734).  She was stuck in traffic anyway, there was no harm in just calling the number once.  If no one answered then at least she tried.

The phone rang twice.

“Caris Pregnancy Counseling and Resources, this is Nancy speaking.  How may I help you?”

“Just hang up,” the first voice told Eve, more agitated and forceful this time.

“Hello, is anyone there?” Nancy warmly asked as she continued to patiently hold the phone in silence waiting for a response.

Eve felt a familiar warmness and peace go through her body as she decided to speak to Nancy.  “My name is Eve.  I’m pregnant.  I’m so scared.  I want to keep my baby.”