The
Caris Group had a location in her Lawndale neighborhood and two others in the
Chicagoland area. They had free
pregnancy group support; pregnancy services; a food pantry; partnerships with
churches in various communities that offered inexpensive or free clothing for
women and children and car seats; a baby boutique where she could spend
“points” she’d earned receiving Caris’ free pregnancy services on brand new
items for her baby; an employment program; and a partnership with W.I.N.G.S,
Women in Need Growing Stronger, which offers permanent, transitional or Safe
House emergency shelter for mothers and children of domestic violence. Nancy invited Eve to sit in on a group session
next week and fill out some confidential paperwork. Eve set up an appointment time to meet with
Nancy then quickly got off the phone.
She could barely see
the cars in front of her as her eyes filled with tears. She pulled into a restaurant parking lot
nearby and began to weep uncontrollably.
It was as if a bullet had pierced through practically every “con” on
Eve’s list about whether or not to keep her child – not having support, fear of
not being able to financially provide for her child, and where she and her
child could run if James got released and was out for blood. Had help like this really been available all
along? Had every excuse just been
shattered?
“Wow, look how quickly
all of that worked out!” A voice of
disbelief began, weakly at first. “I
mean, it was almost a little too easy
right? You know what they say, ‘If it
seems too good to be true…”
“…then it probably is,”
Eve completed the sentence aloud.
“Look how easy they
made keeping this child sound. Sounds
like they’ve got help, help, and more help available, huh? Ain’t nobody helping nobody for little to no
money, and if they do then you know what else they say don’t you?” the voice
prompted Eve.
“You get what you pay
for,” Eve acquiesced.
“The clothes and
services are probably going to be super bootlegged and is going to be full of
young women on their sixth child trying to get a handout. All of those ‘free’ services…yeah,
ahite. They gone hit you with a fat bill
that’s going to make you wish you’d just paid the $300 it would’ve taken to
just have gotten the abortion,” a harassing voice continued causing her tears
to come to an abrupt stop; hope was quickly turning to doubt and confusion.
“Where’s their funding
coming from? In this economy, with
services like these and public assistance being cut left and right and the
government itself failing, who’s to say how long Caris Group will be
around? If they have to shut their doors
because they’ve run out of money, then your lip’s going to be poked out further
than your belly,” the voice chuckled.
“Oh and don’t even get
me started on W.I.N.G.S! You ain’t gone
need wings to fly when James gets out of jail and kicks your butt up to high
heaven,” Eve heard as fear began to set in causing her heart to beat faster as
an image of a vengeful James attacking her while she was pregnant and
vulnerable flashed across her mind.
“That entire
conversation was nonsense. Nancy
probably has to get a certain number of new desperate dummies through those
doors each month; she’s just trying to meet her quota and keep her job.
The program’s probably
mostly high school-aged mothers. You’re
way too old to be sitting in a group with other women in ‘similar’
situations. What do women of all
different ages really have in common?
Considering some of those pregnant teens were probably born to teenage
mothers themselves, you’re probably old enough to be their mother; sitting
there looking stupid talking about ‘I’m alone and I don’t know what to
do.’ Girl, get a clue! You shouldn’t even go to that appointment.” The voice quieted to see how Eve would
respond after the series of punches.
“I’m so stupid,” Eve
repeated aloud. “I’m back at square
one. Caris Group ain’t gonna help
me. No one has ever helped me except
Granny, and now that she’s dead it’s just me against the world.”
“It’s not too late to
call the abortion clinic,” the voice reminded her. “It’s not like you sent out baby shower
invitations! The only people who know you’re
pregnant are you and Nancy – and who is she going to tell?”
“But I want to keep my
child. I know that I felt something
right about saying that; I felt better than I had in a really long time. Did I make it all up?” Eve pondered.
“No, you didn’t make it
up,” the deceptive voice replied reassuringly.
“You felt a natural sense of relieve because you temporarily believed
that you had made a final decision.
Simply because you felt like a load had been lifted off of your
shoulders doesn’t necessarily mean that it was the right choice. You felt ‘good’ about scheduling your abortion
appointment not too long ago. You had a
natural reaction after being conflicted and secretive for so long,” explained
the persuasive voice. “It felt good to
finally be able to share such a huge secret with someone. You’ve already done something different than
if you were with James: you’ve opened up to a counselor and explored your
options instead of being forced to do what would have caused the least fight
between you two. You’ve explored your
options and now you have confirmation that help isn’t really available…it’s
okay, you tried. Save yourself the time
and embarrassment and don’t go to that appointment. What you really need is a little more time by
yourself to just figure things out.
Think it through and don’t get anyone else involved,” the voice advised.
“There’s no one who can
help me anyway, why waste my time going up there? It’s just me against the world,” Eve sighed,
feeling lonely.
She reached into the
glove compartment to grab a small package of facial tissue to dry the last of
her tears and blow her nose. She moved a
few things around the glove compartment for a few seconds before remembering
that she threw the empty package of tissue away last week. The only tissue available was a napkin that
had gotten lodged between the pages of Granny’s Bible. Eve took the Granny’s King James Bible out of
the glove compartment and rubbed its burgundy leather front cover for a
moment. She traced the capitol gold
letters embedded in the leather just like the Word had been embedded in Granny’s
heart. She slowly opened it and stared
at the inside cover where’d she drawn a small heart for Granny when she was
5-years-old.
“Granny, I want you to
think of me whenever you open your Bible,” Eve remembered saying to her
grandmother after pointing out the small heart she’d drawn in the upper
left-hand corner of the white inside cover.
She could picture the smile on her grandmother’s face as she kissed her
forehead and assured her that she would think of her always. She could almost feel Granny’s kiss on her
forehead right now. A smile slid across
Eve’s face and she closed her eyes as she allowed the loving memory to envelop
her. Now that Granny was gone, it was
she who thought about Granny when she opened the Bible.
Eve opened her eyes and
traced the tiny heart inside the Bible with her finger over and over. “Granny, I sure need you right now. I’ve got a whole lot of thoughts in my head
and I don’t know if they’re right or wrong.
I wonder what you’d say to me right now.”
“Baby, pray about everything,”
a gentle reminder of a frequent phrased used by Granny came to her. But it wasn’t just the phrase, it was as if
she’d heard her grandmother’s voice and it took her breath away. Ordinarily Eve would have shrugged off the
thought of praying, but the unmistakable voice of Granny caused her to think
otherwise. She always did what Granny
said and the fact that she couldn’t explain what was happening was no
exception; she had nothing to lose.
Eve sat silent for a
moment before she began, “Dear God…” She
wasn’t even sure how to start her prayer.
What was the proper way to greet a higher power that you hadn’t spoken
to in many years?
“You don’t need to
pray. Of course holding Granny’s Bible
will make you think of prayer. What you
need is some rest,” spoke an assertive voice.
“God, I want to pray,”
Eve pressed on, “I just don’t know what to say.”
“Doesn’t the season
finale of your favorite show start soon?
You better hurry up and get home,” a voice of distraction chimed in.
“Look at those dudes
walking towards your car. Didn’t James
have beef with them? If I were you I’d
put this praying business aside and pull off before you get to talk to God in
person,” a voice of fear chimed in and tossed in a violent image of the men
snatching her out of her car for good measure.
“NO!” Eve responded. She had had enough. She knew that she needed to pray, even if
just to shut up all of the thoughts in her mind for just a few moments. “I don’t know what to say, God, so if you
want me to pray then you’re going to have to help me.”
“Grab the napkin and
start reading,” a soothing voice replied causing all of the other voices to be
silent. Eve didn’t know what was
happening, but she was grateful for only one thought. She opened the Bible to where the napkin was
hoping that maybe one of the profound writers could do to the praying for her –
she began at the 8th chapter of the book of Romans: “24 For we are saved by hope: but hope
that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? 25
But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.26
Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we
should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us
with groanings which cannot be uttered.27 And he that searcheth the
hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession
for the saints according to the will of God.28 And we know that all
things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called
according to his purpose.”
Prompted by what she had just read, Eve simply prayed, “God,
please work all things out for my good.”
“It is already done,” reassured the voice of Truth.
Eve put her car in
drive and pulled out of the parking lot.
Traffic lightened and so did the weight on Eve’s shoulders. She didn’t know much about children, how much
extra money she’d need to meet all of their needs, what kind of mother she’d be
or how James would react when he got out of jail – but, at that moment, she
felt fine not having all of the answers.
She didn’t feel stupid or judged after her prayer. It seemed like as soon as she asked for God’s
help all of the agitation and condemnation she’d been feeling completely
dissipated. There was such a noticeable
difference in how she felt, she questioned if she’d imagined there had been a
struggle in her mind in the first place.
She looked down at her right hand on the steering wheel and noted her usually
medium-length nails bitten all the way down – a nervous habit she’d developed
when she was younger that Granny considered “unladylike”. She remembered how tortured she’d been before
the call to Caris Group and her prayer, and was grateful that those feelings
were gone – wherever they’d went. There
was such quietness in her mind and relaxation throughout her entire body that
she felt like she could fall asleep in traffic.
Why couldn’t she get
clear and figure out on her own what she
really wanted and what Caris Group might really have to offer? What did she have to lose by keeping her
appointment? She felt like she had
already faced the worst and achieved a huge victory – the big, bad wolf was no
longer sleeping in her bed. He was the
state’s problem now, and she had a child to think about.
There was an opening in
traffic and Eve decided to take a shortcut down a side street to get home. She drove the half a mile to her apartment
feeling content and sleepy. She chuckled
out loud recalling how she asked God to help her pray and was lead to a
scripture about the Spirit praying on our behalf because we don’t know how to
pray according to God’s Will. She
guessed she wasn’t the only one who didn’t know how to pray. She tried to remember the sound of the voice
that told her to read Romans 8. That
voice was true and quieted every other busy thought in her mind. Maybe that voice would give her the winning
Lotto numbers. She took a deep breath
and tried to hear if the voice was giving her any numbers. “Did I just hear 24?” she asked and laughed
out loud. She pulled into a parking
space in the front her building just as a small moving truck was pulling out. She grabbed her purse on the front seat and
closed the car door. She stood
contemplatively for a second before reaching back inside to grab Granny’s
Bible. Eve placed the Bible in her purse
and headed up the walk way.
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