Sweetest Taboo

Olivia could hear the thunder begin to rumble.   Yes! She thought to herself.  She stood still in the middle of the grass with her arms opened wide as though she were about to accept the biggest hug.   She lifted her head high with both eyes closed.   As the summer evening’s light breeze swayed past, she caught a whiff of the rain’s fresh fragrance.   She inhaled deeply.   Olivia could feel tiny droplets of cool water began to hit her face.

 

 “Olivia, it’s about to storm!” She could hear someone yell to her.   Olivia’s focus now zoomed in on the plantation-styled house with its yellow and white structure.  The house was huge, covered with long windows on every side, with its porch wrapping around the entire front and sides.  Olivia recognized the house, it was the family house, the home where her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother grew up and where she spent the summers during her childhood.  Olivia remembered that she loved to play on that porch, mainly because she could sit underneath the windows and eavesdrop on the adults’ conversations without being in the room. 

She heard the call again yet she couldn’t make out who it was urging her to get out from the rain.  “Liv! You’re going to miss it, hurry!”

Olivia didn't mind the rain, especially summer rain.  It was something about it.  She could either dance and play in it or go inside and listen to it as she read a book and let its rhythmic tone put her to sleep.  This down pour was different though, with every drop of rain that touched her skin she felt more and more alive, free, a relief.    Job 36:26-33 MSG came to her thoughts:

26 “Take a long, hard look, See how great he is —infinite, greater than anything you could ever imagine or fire out! 27 "He pulls water up out of the sea, distills it, and fills up his rain-cloud cisterns.  28 Then the skies open up and pour out soaking showers on everyone.  29 Does anyone have the slightest idea how this happens? How he arranges the clouds, how he speaks in thunder? 30 Just look at that lightning, his sky-filling light show illumining the dark depths of the sea! 31 These are the symbols of his sovereignty, his generosity, his loving care.  32 He hurls arrows of light, taking sure and accurate aim.  33 The High God roars in the thunder, angry against evil.

As Olivia ran to the house she realized that her legs were shorter than usual, she was a child.  Once into the house, she ran up the never ending flight of stairs into her mother’s old room and went straight for the cheval cherry wood mirror that stood alone in the corner of the room.  She gave herself a once over and could see her boney legs peeking out of her acid wash cuffed shorts, her sandy brown straightened hair brushed up into a high teased ponytail with teased bangs going to the side.  Olivia realized she had to be about 6 or 7 years old.  All of a sudden she could hear music coming from the down stairs living room; she began to follow the sound…

If I tell you now

Will you keep on?

Will you keep on loving me?

If I tell you

If I tell you how I feel

Will you keep bringing out the best in me?

You give me; you give me the sweetest taboo

You give me; you're giving me the sweetest taboo

Too good for me

Sade’s Sweetest Taboo blared out of her mom’s record player giving her a great sense of nostalgia.  She loved this song; her mom would play it and dance with her dad.  Olivia would peak and watch them dance with so much love and joy in their eyes for one another, next thing they knew Olivia would be right beside them doing her own little dance. 

“Come on, Liv! Dance with me sweetie!”  There it was again, that voice.  She turned to see her husband J doing what appeared to be a cha-cha towards her with his hand out reaching for hers.

“Dance with me,” he asked again.

Olivia looked at him with hope in her heart, she was delighted to see him this way, and she hadn’t seen him like this in a long time.  She could feel that lump in her throat rise, but as she tried to swallow it down she quickly became angry.   A single tear managed to escape from her eye.  In that moment she felt even more like a child, childish even, as if she were being taunted by her older brother and refused to let him see that he was getting the best of her. 

“I don’t feel like it, I don’t like dancing anymore.” she said looking up to him.

“What are you talking about? You love to dance; this is one of your many jams.”  Jackson replied laughing.

Olivia became even angrier.   She wanted to kick him in his shins. 

“You think you know me so well, don't you.”  She stated comely yet upset. 

He looked at her as if she were completely clueless.  “Of course I know you, and you know me.  Remember me,”  he said smiling.

“If you hadn’t left me I wouldn't need to remember you!” Olivia shouted. 

Jackson now looked at her and smiled with adoration. 

“I’ve never left you, Liv,” he said walking closer to her with his hand still extended, but it was as if she didn't hear him.  Those tears that she tried her best to mask came bursting through like a river rupturing a dam and she yelled, “Why! Did I do something wrong?!  Is it my fault?!  Tell me what did I do to deserve this!”

Jackson knelt down to her level.  “If I told you now, you wouldn't understand,” he told her with great sorrow in his eyes and in his tone.  “Olivia, just take my hand and dance with me, trust me, once you start hear the music and your feet get to moving, you’ll be alright.  You know the moves, come on.” Jackson extend his hand once more, but this time it was to wipe away her tears.

Just as Olivia took Jackson’s hand…

“Livia! What have I told you about that nonsense, you are just wasting your time.  He is not real, he is not here, sweetie, let it go.  That’s life baby…you’re born, you live, you die.  That’s it!” Her grandmother Mona jerked Olivia around in her direction. 

Olivia felt fearful.  Nana Mona was someone she remembered, her words went straight through her heart, they were harsh, they were cold.

“But Nana he loves me,” Olivia replied with a tremble in her voice.

“Oh really, tell me this then, sweetness, why does he sit there and allow you to feel so much pain?  If he loved ya, baby, he wouldn't hurt cha.  Now I done told you, we don't go around here holding on to fairytales, people like us ain’t got time for that.  Now you gone in there and get ready for supper.”  Nana Mona lectured her without even looking at Olivia’s hurt face.

Olivia began to do what her grandmother told her.  She turned her head to see if Jackson was still there; he was.

“Remember, I'm still here.  I'll never leave you.” He sympathetically assured her once more before Olivia walked away.

She went back upstairs to the bathroom to get ready for supper like her grandmother told her.  As Olivia washed her hands she started thinking about how her grandmother was always so harsh, so cold.  Whenever she would come to visit Nana Mona in the bayou, she knew hard lessons would be learned.  Olivia’s mother would always remind Liv not to bring up Jesus, God or prayer.  From what her mother told her about her grandmother, she had a hard life and had given up on God a long time ago.  She was a Believer, she just didn't believe that He could help her.  Olivia knew that her dad was the one who got her mother into church and getting to know the Lord.  Olivia loved her grandmother, although she was harsh at times, she believed her grandmother had some very valid truths about life.  In fact, Olivia carried the majority of her grandmother’s truths with her, even moreso now-a-days.

Olivia heard the music again and she began to sing a little bit to herself…

There’s a quiet storm

And it never felt like this before

There’s a quiet storm

I think it's you

There’s a quiet storm

And I never felt this hot before

Giving me something that's taboo

As she sang, Olivia found herself gliding down the stairs and into the living room, and there they were, cheek-to-cheek, her mom and dad dancing, and there was Jackson sitting in the chair in the corner. 

He stood up and walked towards her and once again extend his hand and asked her , "May I have this dance?”

     Olivia was once again angry with the sun for interrupting her sleep.  She looked over at Jackson’s side of the bed, the empty spot that seem to be so wide with him not being there.  She stretched her arm over the empty spot and  caressed the sheet. 

          “What a strange dream,” Olivia spoke out loud to herself.

Wait a second, she thought.  She was confused, why was she hearing that song again now while she was fully awake?  At least she think she was.  Olivia pulled herself out of the bed and went downstairs to the family room to see Joy and her mother, Sophia, dancing.  Joy and Sophia hadn't even noticed Olivia standing in the door way.   They sang every word and seem to be in a trance of pure joy. 

Olivia watched on.  She could see how her daughter looked so much like her when she was that age and she began to smile.  Sophia looked over at Olivia and noticed her daughter’s smile.

“Hey, baby, that’s what I’m talking about, come join the party and dance like you use to, show Joy that you still got the moves!” Sophia said, gleaming at Olivia.

Olivia quickly realized that she had been smiling.  She felt terrible, so guilty, then infused with anger; first at herself then towards her mother and Joy.   Olivia walked over to the record player and scratched the album as she turned the song off.

“Are you crazy, girl? You just ruined my Sade album! Giiirl, you know they don't make good stuff like this no more.  I come over here to share my most sacred album with you and this is how you treat my stuff?  Have you lost yo’ mind?” Olivia’s mother Sophia shouted at her.

“Have you?” Olivia snapped back.

“Olivia, what is wrong with you girl?” Her mother asked with a confused look on her face.

“What’s wrong with you?  And stop calling me ‘girl’, I am a grown woman, ma!” Olivia replied back to her mother with irritation in her tone.

 Joy was still in her dance position as she watched her mother and her grandmother go toe-to-toe.

“Olivia,” her mother stated ever so carefully, “You need to watch your tone.  What is your problem?  We were just dancing, something that you used to enjoy doing.”

“Dancing!  How can you dance when, when, when….” Olivia’s words got stuck, she couldn't bear to finish her sentence.

“When what, Liv? When what?” Olivia’s mother pressed on.

“It’s not right!” Olivia stated even more aggravated.

“When what, Liv?  When what?  Come on, say it, JUST SAY IT! SAY IT!” Olivia’s mother continued to press.

Olivia could feel that lump in her throat, this time it felt like a brick trying to make its way up.  Olivia started to pace the floor as she looked down trying her best not to make eye contact with her mother, but she was behind her, right on her heels in her ear yelling, “Say it, Liv, you have to say it!”

Joy was now sitting silently, tears rolling down her cheeks as her eyes followed them back and forth.

“You have to talk about it sometime!  You can start by saying it, Liv!” Her mother continued to be that nagging voice in her ear, like a guilty conscience that just wouldn't let up.

“Grandma, please!” Joy pleaded.  She could sense the great pain in her mother often, but seeing her like this was scaring her.

“Go see about your brother, Joy, grown folks are talking now.  Everything is fine,” her grandma Sophia assured her.  Joy did as her grandmother told her. 

Olivia’s mother continued pressing her.  “Look, see, it’s just me and you now, just say it Liv!”

“You don't care, you’re in here dancing, it’s not right!” Olivia replied on the verge of tears now.

“LOOK AT YOU! You keep tip toeing around what’s not being said, Liv.” Her mother pointed out.

Olivia just couldn't get that brick to go down, she buried her head in her hands and drug her fingers down her face slowly, her stomach kept dropping, she felt sick. 

“Ma, just leave me alone.” Olivia pleaded with her mother.

“SAY IT LIV!”

“HE’S DEAD! HE’S DEAD, OKAY?! MY HUSBAND IS DEAD!” Olivia finally admitted. 

“MA!” Joy shouted.

Olivia and Sophia quickly turned to see Joy standing in the doorway with Jackson, Jr.  Olivia’s heart dropped, she raced over to her children but Jackson, Jr.  ran in the opposite direction before she could reach them.  Olivia fell to the floor sobbing, and here it comes, that brick that she had been trying to keep down finally made its way up, but only in the form of Olivia’s lunch. 

“OH MY GOD!  I CAN’T, I CAN’T DO THIS,  I CAN’T,  I JUST CAN’T!” Olivia sobbed, face soaked with tears and clothes reeking of fresh vomit.

Sophia and Joy tried their best to pull her to her feet, but her pain weighed her down, making it extremely hard to help her.  Instead they just sat there with her holding on to her, stroking her back and her hair as she let out blares of uncontrollable screams. 

Joy would periodically go to check on Jackson, Jr. just to make sure he was oaky. 

After what felt like an hour of trying to calm down, with a sore throat and her face soaked with salty tears, Olivia spoke softly, “You know, I had the strangest dream about him, you and dad were in it too,” she told her mother.

“Were you happy to see each other, sweetie?”  Her mother Sophia asked.

“I don’t know,” Olivia responded, her eyes dazed.

“Come on, baby, let’s get you cleaned up and I’ll fix dinner and you get you some rest,” her mother suggested.

Olivia got up and walked to her room and into the master bath and proceeded to shower and get herself cleaned up.  She was still in a daze, basically reliving what had just occurred in her living room.  She hopped out of the shower and put on some clothes and just sat at the edge of her king sized bed… stuck, no expression on her face, no life in her eyes, no emotion, no nothing.

Sophia walked into the room. 

“Liv sweetie, I’m sorry I pushed you today, I didn't mean to…”

Olivia interrupted her, “Mom, let’s not talk about it okay?” She stated dryly.

Sophia made her way closer to Olivia and sat down beside her on the bed.

“You’ve been so cooped up in this house why don't you go somewhere get some fresh air have lunch with friends or something?  Have you spoken to Martin lately?”

“No, I’ve been meaning to call him, too, he’s been on my mind lately.  I wonder how he’s doing.”

“It would be good if you reached out.  Don’t let your pain blind you to others.  Trouble didn't stop at just your door…” Her mother began to lecture, but Olivia interrupted her, “I know, ma, I know.”

“I know you know, baby,” Sophia responded as she patted Olivia on the leg and stood to walk out of the room.  Olivia grabbed her cell phone off the night stand and began to call Martin.

“Hello,” Martin said.   

“Yeah, hello, this is Olivia,” her voice filled with concern. Olivia heard loud rumbling and tussling.   

“Hello, Martin, you’ve been on my mind and I was wondering if we could catch up this weekend?” Olivia replied hoping he could hear her over the bad connection.   But there was no reply.   Martin’s phone went dead.